Thursday, November 08, 2007

Acceptance

I still have no idea if there will be a way to heal the split in our family, and it will take a long time to come to terms with the issues I have with my grandma. But I have found a way to deal with some of it. In a lot of ways, my grandma died along with my grandpa. She was never the same afterwards. The grandmother that I grew up with was gone.

I have incredible memories of her from when I was younger. We played Scrabble and Dominoes, we read books, she made me snacks when I got off the school bus and spent a few hours at her house after school. We had a "snowball" fight in July using the blossoms off of the snowball bush growing near the house. My grandma, my mom and I picked strawberries, cherries, raspberries and blueberries together every year. We decorated the Christmas tree together. Our whole family would get together at her house for homemade pizza. We'd play Pokeno for the pennies she had in a tin, returning them back to the tin when we were done, so we could play another time. We all played the game Pit, screaming to trade cards until my grandpa would get up and shut the door between the kitchen and living room. She and I drank lemon tea at the kitchen table and I felt so grown up. I helped her with her physical therapy after her knee surgery. And I'll never be able to smell Oil of Olay lotion without remembering hugging her and feeling her soft skin against my cheek and smelling the lotion. I love that woman with all of my heart.

But she disappeared when my grandpa died. And the memories I have of her after that are much fewer and farther between. Some people might say I'm being ridiculous to do this, but I've made a choice. I'm going to remember the grandmother I had growing up. It won't do me any good to dwell on the bad things that came later. It won't fix it, and it'll just make me miserable. I'm not in denial, I know she had her faults. But if I can remember the good things I'll be able to find some peace.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't think it's ridiculous to think of only the good times with your grandma. It seems like the majority of your memories involving her are good ones. While it will never take the hurt away from what has happened, if it makes you feel more at peace then that's what matters.

-Katie (SouthernGirl)

~ Elly ~ said...

I don't think it's ridiculous either. It's important to remember the good times, the things that made grandma grandma. (CTG)