Struggling

I won't go into every last detail about why this has been a horrible week for me. Suffice it to say a chronically sick cat, lack of a job and other factors conspired to cause a minor meltdown. Every so often I have a day where I feel like I can't go on. That every last small thing is adding up to create something more than I can handle. It doesn't happen very often, and I always get through it, but sometimes the day is just too much.

In a lot of ways I feel like everything we dealt with this summer used up the reserves I have. The extra strength to push myself through it and say "I can deal with this." Three months of having to do that EVERY SINGLE DAY wore me out. I'm tired. Deep down in my soul tired. Tired of having to spend every day struggling to make it to the next. Tired of feeling like it was never going to get better. And resentful. Resentful that I was forced to deal with it. It wasn't fair. And that makes me angry. I can handle it when I was the one who screwed up. If I can take responsibility for something, I can move on. If I caused it, I can fix it. But when it feels like the universe is out to get me, there's nothing I can do. I struggle and struggle and get nowhere. I hate feeling useless and ineffectual. Feeling like that for months wears you down

This week was a very similar feeling. Mercury is sick, and there is nothing we can do. The vet has no idea what's wrong, we've tried everything we can, and it isn't working. I've cried so many times looking at her and wishing so desperately that she could just talk. That she could tell me what was wrong so I could fix it. I would do almost anything to get her well, but I don't know how. I'm struggling and struggling to find a job and getting nowhere. My parents have been helping me out but they can't do that forever. I understand that, but at the same time it's very frustrating. I don't want to have to rely on Anthony. I don't want to put that strain on our relationship. I want to be able to take care of myself damn it. But there are no jobs. And I don't know what to do.

I'll keep struggling on, and today it's easier than it was a few days ago. But sometimes I wonder, how long can I keep doing this? How long can I go before I just can't do it anymore? Will there be a point where I just give up?